Communicating with your toddler to gain cooperation

Do your children ignore you, only listen when you shout or have their 'selective hearing' turned on?

It’s a really common complaint I hear from parents.

It can push buttons and you end up losing your rag, especially when you've got to be somewhere or your patience has worn thin because you're just sick of repeating yourself again and again!

Or it gives you a heartstopping moment when they’re straying too close to a busy road and your yelp of “don’t go near the road” falls on deaf ears.

It’s worrying, frustrating and annoying!

You’re not alone. Parents of young children everywhere lament the lack of listening.

I know it feels like it but your child isn't willfully ignoring you (I promise!) They just have different priorities, a slower pace of life and an immature brain that makes listening a little tricky sometimes.

When our little one's start talking it's amazing. Picking up a few words here and there and coming out with cute pronunciations. Then all of sudden they're talking in sentences and you're having proper conversations!

It's around this time we often start expecting a little too much from them. Their language skills are still developing and they're a long way from understanding and verbalising complex emotions or concepts.

So what can we do to support them?

It helps to understand the world from their perspective, to step into their shoes (yep the shoes you’ve asked them to go get half a dozen times)!

Proceed at toddler pace

The first thing to take on board is that a toddler or preschooler's brain is much more active than ours.

They’re on an incredible learning journey.

They encounter new experiences with everything they see, hear, smell, touch and taste! Their brains are taking in an enormous amount of new information every single second. It’s how they learn about the world, how they interact with it and their place in it.

Processing all the information bombarding their senses takes time, so we need to give them time. If they're rushed they can't learn.

So although their brains are incredibly active, their pace is much slower.

Give them lots of warning that you need them to do something different and give them time to move on. They need to unravel themselves and their brain from the current task in order to take on the next.

When possible, let them decide when. The more that children lack autonomy in their life the less cooperation we tend to get. Giving choices is a great way to give more control. For example "Would you like to get shoes on now or when you've finished the book?" Plus this has the advantage of moving the conversation from ‘if’ to ‘when’.

It's also useful to remember you can't expect immediate compliance, give them time to fully hear and understand what you've asked and be patient while they figure out how to respond.

We often just expect our children to keep up with our busy lives, slowing down a little to their pace can help them and your relationship.

Use positive language

Your days with your toddler can often be littered with:

“don’t touch that”

“don’t run off”

“don’t hit your sister”

How many times do you find your request being ignored?

Your child isn’t being deliberately stubborn (contrary to the seemingly overwhelming evidence!) They’re just having trouble interpreting what you’re saying.

Their under-developed brain skips the negative words. The result is they will simply hear:

“touch that”

“run off”

“hit your sister”

To help them register what you actually want, say what you’d like them to do or state the desired behaviour for example "Stay close to me".

Using positive statements or requests and simplifying language can help your toddler hear, process, understand and respond much more quickly.

Such as “just look” instead of "don't touch" or "please use gentle hands” instead of "don't hit".

It’s also useful to find alternatives to just saying "no" all the time. Again it's a negative statement they've got to turn around to understand what you really mean.

Give them meaningful information they can grasp easily. If they’re heading towards a hot oven use "hot, stay away!" instead of just “no!”

It can take some time to intentionally switch things around, we tend to default on negative speech. When you do, practice rephrasing the sentence positively and it’ll spring to mind more readily the next time.

Enter their world

Ever been totally engrossed in a book or tv show? Completely caught up in the characters and storyline, then someone interrupts, asking you to do something unrelated.

How did you feel? Possibly annoyed and not really willing to do what they've asked? Maybe you didn't even take in what they said?

This is us with our big old brains and we have trouble dealing with it. It's even more of an issue for our young children.

Their main job is to learn and their brain takes it very seriously!

It's 100% focused in the moment, whether it’s building a brick tower or burying the car in the dirt.

Remember their senses I mentioned earlier? They’re always in full data collection mode!

Burying a car isn’t just playing in the dirt.

It’s the feel of the dirt on their fingers.

It’s slightly damp and grainy.

Soft but with small hard stones.

It’s turning their hand blacker and blacker.

Watching it fall and sprinkle on the ground.

The sound it makes scattering on the roof of the car.

Seeing the car disappear bit by bit.

The bright red paint slowly being obscured by the dirt.

Squishing and flattening it down.

Making a handprint.

Adding more dirt and seeing the pile grow bigger.

Then digging, sinking their hand right in.

Swishing and wiping the dirt away to reveal the car again.

Pulling it out, shaking it free of dirt before starting all over again.

Every step is fascinating, every action purposeful.

They are enthralled, totally immersed and their brain is guiding them to repeat and experiment and using all the information from their senses. Every single second, hundreds of neural pathways are being created and strengthened.

Then you ask them to come wash their hands for tea!

You get no response, so you ask again and again. It's fallen on ears that literally can’t hear you!

The key is to enter their world.

Connect first.

Notice and comment on what they're doing, how the dirt feels, where the car is going.

If you can, take a couple more minutes, join them at play - help dig - make a handprint next to theirs.

You're showing them that what is most important to them is important to you as well.

They feel seen and validated, meeting their need for recognition.

They feel closer to you, connected and more loved.

Instead of feeling annoyed or frustrated with you, potentially leading into a meltdown, they are now more likely to be receptive and more cooperative.

Listening is a skill they learn from you!

Your children copy you.

What you say and what you do - yep including that swear word you let slip!

In psychology this copying behaviour is called modelling and it's one of the fundamental ways that your children learn.

They're learning how to be a person by watching you, how you behave and how you speak to them. (No pressure there then!)

If you want them to speak to you kindly and respectfully, you need to model kindness and respect, that's fairly obvious.

What we can tend to forget is that we’re also modelling how to listen.

We can often think we’re listening but in reality you’re wondering what to cook for tea and not really paying attention.

Mid meltdown you might be thinking about how to correct the behaviour rather than truly listening to how they feel.

Or you could be distracted by a message popping up on your phone instead of listening to them tell you about their drawing.

So if you get into the habit of not really listening to them, why should you expect them to listen to you?

It's important to show your children the behaviour you’d like to see from them.

Give them your undivided attention.

Listen to what they say, no matter what it is.

Ask for their thoughts and ideas.

Ask for their input to solve a problem.

I get that it's not always possible but if you make active listening the norm and not an exception, you can help them learn how to listen.

Listening to the small stuff now is setting the scene for the big stuff later. It’s not just about compliance, it’s creating trust between you.

They will know you’ll be there with an open ear in their teens and when they’ve got children of their own.

Good relationships depend on good communication and that’s a two way street.

Bio

I can help your family find solutions to your parenting problems with a focus on building positive and trusting relationships. Starting when your newborn enters the world and developing emotional intelligence and resilience in your children as they grow up to be amazing humans!

I work with expectant parents and parents of babies and young children either 1:1 or in group classes. You’ll gain peace of mind, confidence in your parenting decisions and learn to trust your instincts, instead of Google at 2am!

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